Took so long to lose his virginity that when he finally did, his friend bought him a cake

Once mindlessly consumed so many dum-dums that every surface in our living room was covered with wrappers and sticks the next morning

One time at VFA Redux we were coming back to the dorms late at night and a fellow he barely knew shouted out her window that he looked like shit

Once fell asleep while eating a chocolate bar and woke up covered in melted chocolate

Used to wear fake glasses in a failed attempt to seem smarter

One time I tested a Castle form with the fake name “Larry Bonrad” and he thought it was real and just a crazy coincidence

Bought a cat to attract women; didn't attract any women; abandoned the cat

The cardboard dimension—enough said

Early on in their relationship, Erica told me that Barry and Caroline didn’t have sex, they just “did hand stuff and looked deeply into each other’s eyes,” and I had to double-check that she was joking because it was kind of believable

Once shared a bed with Ethan and requested that they sleep with their heads at opposite ends of the bed

My friend from Wesleyan, who had never met Barry, once told me that based on seeing pictures of him on Instagram she assumed Caroline was marrying “a much older man”

Once ordered McDonalds via UberEats twice in one night between the hours of 1 and 3am

When we were 25, after a game of spin the bottle, said “I’ve kissed more men this weekend than I have women in my entire life up to this point”